No More Curls

It happened one fine Friday at work,
Someone said my hair looked like a mullet,

Now that made me sensitive,
and made me a little sullen,

So you know what I did?

I stomped my feet and kicked in the door,
Ran my way across that shiny floor,
To the barber chair, and sat and yelled,
Get out them clippers and shave my head!

Riddle Me This....

I got a question, and I need an answer now,
Don't lie to me or play games with your mouth,

I'm hardcore right now and I've been getting drunk (whiskey),
I'll guillotine chop you and scissor kick you punk (sissy),

I've been listening to gangster rap all day,
Wu Tang Clan repeating on my iPod, it's crazy,

I'm on edge right now and I need to know,
Why do you have Winnie the Pooh on....your.....
car....window?!!!!

The PMS song

(This song is not about anyone I know)

I wrote a whole song about PMS,
but I ain't taking my life in my hands,

The end.

Man With His Remote

I have cable television supplied by a company called Cox.
200 or so channels I watch when I'm home non-stop.

However I have this issue, some call it a disorder,
Short attention span, oh look puppy, a glass of water,

Watching Hillbilly Handfishin' or some other show,
Go to commercial, and that's when my issues blow....

Click, click, click with the remote, change the channel,
Look there's a commercial for a shirt made of flannel,

Click, click, click with the remote, change the channel,
Look there's a TV show about really cute animals,

Now doctors and researchers say clickin's an issue,
That men do it for reasons, for what I cannot construe,

All I know is the television is full of mixed messages,
Politics, and comedy and reality show challenges,

Watching Hillbilly Handfishin' or some other show,
Go to commercial, and that's when my issues blow....

Click, click, click with the remote, change the channel,
Look there's a re-run of the NBC show Manimal,

Click, click, click with the remote, change the channel,
Look there's a TV show about A.D.D.

The Mysterious Co-Worker Dance

One Friday morning I was getting a cup of coffee,
Trying to find motivation and energy,

Sipping my coffee, I mean my Americano,
I decided to visit my co-worker, ya know,

It was a social gathering in that office,
I decided to stay a while and visit,

One of my co-workers, she suddenly laughed,
Laughed so hard at something I was aghast,

It was the mysterious co-worker dance,
Something so funny, I didn't get a chance,

Was it the robot or did he pop it and lock it?
I know he didn't cabbage patch it or I would have....

Joined in.....

Pants

I need pants,
I don't need denim,

It's getting cold,
so I need to be in 'em,

Not khaki, slacks
or polyester,

Something nice,
so I will look fresher,

Than you,
I'm deeper than Freud,

I need pants that are
called corduroy,

They make noise,
when I walk,

Like my legs,
are starting to talk,

Conversing, with you girl,
about my pants,

Does this corduroy,
look good on my......

Tattooed Face

Driving home the long way on Highway 29,
Gold teeth gleaming in the sunshine,

Across the divided lines homey, I did spy,
The prettiest little thing driving right by,

She rode shotgun in a Ford Fiesta, maroon, the color,
The car shot out smoke, hence the real bad odor,

We stopped at a light and I checked her out,
Trying to see if she was hot, and what she was about,

Much to my surprise, I did see,
A frightening sight, not sure to please,

Hey there tattooed face,
What's going on?

Hey there tattoed face,
How'd you get those stars?

Hey there tattooed face,
I know what you might like,

Hey there tattooed face,
I think I'll like you from afar,

Wondering why you got that crap on your face,
Rainbows and stars are cool, in the sky, the proper place,

But on your face, girl, what the hell you thinkin'
Lucky Charms vomited on your face, you musta been drinkin',

If I could learn you something this is what I'd say,
If you're gonna tattoo your face, don't do it for play,

Put some thought into you what you're gonna do,
Because if you don't, some fool will write a song about you,

Hey there tattooed face,
What's going on?

Hey there tattoed face,
How'd you get those stars?

Hey there tattooed face,
I know what you might like,

Hey there tattooed face,
I think I'll like you from afar,

My truck...

I've had this old truck for a while,
26 inch rims, I ride in style,
Shiny and gleamy, that's how I roll,
Smokin' on something called endo,

Wearing Wranglers and suede Adidas,
Sunshine and rainbows are glorious,
But that's when I smell your perfume,
And that's when our love begins to bloom,

I love you more than I love my truck....
Hey there darling, let's go in the bed and.....spoon.

I love you more than I love my truck,
Get on your knees and pretty please....change this tire.

Janitor Man...

I heard what you said, about the way I dress,
Saggy jeans and t-shirts, you think I'm a mess,

Untied shoes, holding a drill in my hand,
My genius is undefined, with a farmer's tan,

Back talk my behind me, gets me stressed,
Now you gonna suffer, my rage is unchecked,

Janitor man!!!!
Come clean up my desk,
Janitor man!!!!!
I got you a mop,
Janitor man!!!!

Clean up my slop,

If I had a nine, homey, you would be stressed,
Oh I'm just kidding, shit, I spilled that mess,

Wax that floor, clean that can, I am pissed,
Talking shit behind my back, will get you dissed,

(deep thought speech time with a sotto voce)

Now, I know you liked to be called custodial engineer,
We could have been friends chillin' with some beer,
But I heard what you said, about me and homey,
Now you have to learn without love or glee,

That...

Janitor man!!!!
Come clean up my desk,
Janitor man!!!!!
I got you a mop,
Janitor man!!!!
Clean up my slop,

Janitor man!!!!!

Regarding 2nd song....

I'm not a stalker in any way shape or form. I don't know anyone named Susie.

Second Song

It all started when my dog ran on your porch,
That's when I saw you and I started to the carry the torch.
I tried to thank you for all of your kindness,
But you said nope, heck no, don't wanna deal with that stress,

Soooo......that's whyy........

I can stalk you better, than any man has before
I will write you love notes, and leave them at your door

I can stalk you better, than any man has before,
I will buy you flowers, and leave them at your door,

I saw you at the grocery, buying some eggs and ham,
Rolled up on you shopping cart gleaming, pushed by my hand,
I said hi there Susie, don't you remember me,
And that's when you said, no, are you some kind of crazy?

Sooooo......that's whyyy......

I can stalk you better, than any man has before,
I will buy you yogurt, from that grocery store,

I can stalk you better, than any man has before,
I will hide in your bushes, staring at your window,

Now next thing that happened, much to my surprise,
I heard some police sirens, coming up my drive,

That's when the sheriff, yo, he rolled up on me,
Took his billy club and started whuppin' up on meeeee.......

Sooo.....that's why......

I won't stalk you better, than any man has before,
I won't write you love notes, and leave them at your door,

I won't stalk you better, than any man has before,
That's what I get for stalking.......the sheriff's daughter......